Are You Building Walls

So many individuals come to see me everyday and struggle to forgive others for deceiving them, hurting them, and causing emotional pain. It is as if these individuals construct a strong emotional wall to keep the person from getting close to them again so that they feel protected and prevent any further damage from that person. However many times I find that in constructing that emotional wall individuals begin to shut out other people and not just the one person that they constructed the wall for in the first place. This can cause further damage in individuals lives as they push away everyone, believing that no one can be trusted or allowed to get close enough to them to cause pain emotionally or physically.

Once an individual begins to have this pattern of behavior in their lives they can begin to push away all individuals and prevent themselves from seeing that not all individuals are negative or hurtful. They may decrease the chance of being hurt by others but they are also preventing themselves from being loved by others as well. The wall not only keeps out those who are negative but those who can create positive emotional and relational growth in the persons life.
Even constructing a wall against someone who has hurt them can prevent them from being able to heal in that relationship if the other person is attempting to seek healing and change as the wall creates blindness towards the other persons positive actions. I tell individuals at least to take a few bricks down from that wall at eye sight so they can look upon the person who hurt them as that person may be doing everything possible to make amends and create healing.

What walls have you constructed in your life? Who are the individuals that motivated you to construct those walls? Are the walls really protecting you or are they creating a barrier that is hindering your relationship(s)?

Boundaries are the direction to take in relationships instead of walls. If someone hurts you over and over then it may be time to set boundaries of what you will accept and not accept in healthy relationships. Boundaries will empower you where as walls can close you in.

Change Starts With You

To many people wait for circumstances or people around them to change and fail to recognize their own power in changing circumstances around them. In fact, individuals are the key to change in their lives and even the motivational force in change in those around them. Now make no mistake in thinking that you can change other people as they are also responsible for their own change. However, when you change it causes a trickle down effect that causes others to evaluate their choices in changing or stagnating.

One of my favorite sayings is by Nietzshe in which he stated "change is inevitable and those who resist change cause suffering in their own lives". When we are depressed, angry, anxious or unhappy in our circumstances we have a tendency to put responsibility on people and situations around us instead of make a cognitive choice to look at our negative feelings as a sign that it is time to take responsibility for modifying our situations and relationships.

I see it everyday in therapy where individuals complain, struggle, and lay waiting in the mess of their own muck not recognizing that they and they alone can pull themselves out of that ditch and not wait to be saved by someone else. This is also evident in patterns of repeating negative relationships, negative choices, and negative views that hinder individuals from pulling themselves up to higher ground and redefining their lives as they are the author of their lifes design. Negative thoughts and views have a tendency to multiply as it is a magnet that attracts the negative. On the other hand challenging your negative thoughts, reframing your negative views, and looking at trials as a refinement process causes empowerment and strength.

If you are waiting for change and not recognizing that you are the author of this change despite your circumstances and people in your life then you will be waiting and prolonging transformation that can occur in the present moment. If you are waiting for God to change your circumstances without acknowledging action first has to take place on your part then you are failing to recognize many teachings that point towards individuals being the precursor to change. Change begins with you and you alone. When you begin to challenge stagnation in your life then you will open the door to healing, restoration and transformation that will change you and in turn change every circumstance, situation, and relationship in your life.

What are you waiting for? Who are you waiting for? Why are you waiting? Wait and you will sink deeper and deeper into despair. Choose change and put it into action and you will create more fulfillment in your life than you thought possible.

Change starts with you and only you. Now what do you want to change?

The Worst Enemy "Fear"

Fear is truly the worst enemy that any individual can have working in their lives. Think about what you want most in your life at this moment. Why have you not taken steps towards that situation, that person, that change? Most of the time I hear as a therapist that the primary thing that holds individuals back in their lives is fear itself. I ask clients "If you were to take fear, doubt and uncertainty out of this equation how would you do things different at this moment in time?" Individuals who are asked this question smile and recognize that if they were able to eliminate fear then they would be able to step out faster in life and in lifes choices.

When you think about it fear is at the base of every negative aspect of our world. From racism, prejudice, stagnation, alienation, judgment, criticism, jealousy, mistrust, struggles to ask for help, share our feelings, our thoughts, and our dreams. If individuals could recognize that fear is to be looked in the face and defeated their lives would take off in a direction that they only dreamed of.

I know what I am talking about as I have not only led individuals to fight fear in their lives but as an individual myself have looked fear in the face many times. Once fear was defeated in my life as well as other lives I have seen positive changes that begin to take place so fast it appears supernatural.

My challenge to you is to think about dreams, thoughts, and desires that you contemplate but think are unachievable. Ask yourself if fear is the enemy that is holding you back from reaching for that thing you have only dreamed of. If fear is the enemy remember fear is only a thought. Thoughts can be changed and progress is in reach if you only reach out and take hold.

Fear may be the enemy but belief is the antidote. Change your thoughts and your life will change. It is time for you to step out of fear and move forward.

Have you ever considered counseling but didnt know what to expect?

Counseling can be a scary experience as you go in for the first appointment and speak to a complete stranger about intimate details in your life, however it is one of the most rewarding experiences once you step out and give it a try. The first session is the hardest step to take in changing your life but once you take this first step you will find that counseling can be a unique experience to have time to freely express yourself, your ideas, your thoughts and your feelings with someone who will not judge, criticize or chastise you. Many clients find that first appointment to be scary but once you have met your therapist for the first time the following appointments can become rewarding as you form a therapeutic relationship with someone who is interested in helping you improve your life. I tell my clients that everyone can benefit from a counselor because it is like going to the spa for your mind. If you notice many times when you attempt to talk to family or friends they have a tendency to begin to tell you about stories regarding themselves and the focus is slowly taken off of you. Therapy is all about you, the focus is on you, and you can find out more about yourself by talking through your struggles and challenges in therapy than anywhere else.

Many clients fear that they will not be in charge of their therapy yet they are. Therapy can be brief therapy, 6-8 sessions, or longer depending on what the clients goals are for the therapy process. Going to therapy does not mean that all individuals have severe mental health issues as many individuals come in to talk about adjustment issues, financial struggles, relationship challenges or life goals.

If you have considered therapy but have been concerned about what to expect I hope this article helps encourage you to reach out and find a helping professional near you. The National Directory of Counselors is a great site online that you can look at to explore therapists across the United States.

Stacia Maloy, MS LPC Brittany Park Counseling