Priority Versus Option

Hello all. I know it has been a while since I posted a blog and have been inspired this week to type up a new one. I have had many clients this week who are dealing with relationship woes and it appears to me that I am utilizing a quote quite often in these sessions. I am sure you have heard the quote "NEVER MAKE SOMEONE  A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE THAT MAKES YOU AN OPTION". When you are with the right person it should complement not contradict your life. The healthiest happiest relationships are those in which both individuals put the other persons needs, feelings and thoughts before their own without selfish motive or desire. A relationship should be a give / give exchange with both thinking of the person they love and how certain decisions, choices, and behaviors may affect their loved one.

I see so many people living in unhappiness because they love the person so much that they put up with addictions, unfaithfulness (emotional and sexual), dishonesty, and being put on the back burner in hopes that the person they are with will soon love them as much as they love their partner. A healthy relationship is one in which both walk side by side and support each other though hurts, adjustments, and transitions and grow together in happiness and celebration of who they are as a couple.

If you are making someone in your life a priority and they are making you an option, or you find yourself being a convenience to them and there is an ebb and flow in them showing you through words and actions what you mean to them then you need to stop and ask yourself why am I trying so hard to be a priority and to be loved in a healthy way. When you are with the right person you will still have ups and downs but you will never doubt what you mean to them because even through the rough times they will be right beside you holding your hand as you both encourage each other on to the future. You should not have to beg to be a priority, you should not have to beg to have your thoughts and feelings respected, and you should never have to question if you are an option to them or not.

I tell women and men frequently if you find yourself chasing after someone or begging to be loved the way you desire to be loved then you are probably with the wrong person. The right person will not turn his or her back on you and if they have you might need to turn away from that person because I guarantee there will be someone out there who will always be facing you with open arms and could never imagine turning their back on you or life without you. This blog of what to look for in the one is not a fairy tale or fiction. This blog  is about being able to recognize unselfish, pure, genuine, committed, faithful and long lasting love. Again I repeat the quote "NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE THAT MAKES YOU AN OPTION".

The Power of Your Thoughts

As many of you know I am a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. I describe this to new clients as believing that your thoughts lead to your feelings and your feelings in turn lead to your interactions or reactions to situations and others around you. I truly believe that many of my clients could escape the invisible chains trapping them in depression, anxiety, and fear if they could change their thoughts to more powerful and positive strength based thinking. I have observed my clients make drastic changes in their life as a whole just by changing negative and self destructive thoughts into powerful positive thoughts that are optimistic and hopeful.

There is much research coming out in numerous books and articles on the power of positive thinking. Individuals such as Martha Beck talk of creating vision boards with pictures and words on a poster board that individuals look at daily that have symbolic meaning to what they want in their lives. There are beliefs and research to back up the notion that when individuals focus everyday on things they want in their lives that they are more prone to recognize every day things that point them in that direction and help them achieve their goals. The other belief is that if individuals utilize the words "can't, won't, and messages of doubt" that they will focus on those things around them that support their view that what they want in life is impossible. If you doubt the future of a relationship do not be surprised if it fails, if you doubt your abilities do not be surprised to find you never fully experience the power of your talents, and if you believe your past defines your future do not be surprised to find you never leave the past behind to focus on the positives now in the present. To sum up this concept what you focus on will direct your steps and your path in life. If you do not believe in success then you will pull towards anything that keeps you from achieving success as it supports your distorted view point. If you believe things are possible you will be invested in taking off the blinders of doubt and seeing options that support your success that may have been in front of you all along.

I talk to my clients about tunnel vision and wearing blinders on the sides of their eyes that only allow them to see a small part of the picture in their life. I truly believe many individuals at times want a healthy happy relationship, marriage, financial success, peace, hope yet they have worn blinders so long due to past hurts by others or disappointments that no matter how much they want success in all areas of their lives they fear it doesn't exist for them ( a thought that turns into a belief ). We all have choices in life and we do choose which path we go down in our lives whether it be in believing in love, trust, success, fulfillment, and healing or believing that none of this is possible. Our circumstances and our past do not define our present and our future. Each moment we have the choice to choose our path and determine our future.

As you work on changing your negative view points and seeing life as positive be careful what you speak out loud. To think a negative thought is powerful in itself but I warn individuals to be careful what they speak out loud and claim. Even when you speak negative thoughts you could be creating negative thoughts in others and compound the issue of challenging your own negative thinking. I see this in working with couples when I hear one partner verbalize doubt about love in the relationship or the future of the relationship and you can see how their negative thoughts create negative thinking in the other partner. Another example of this would be speaking negatively about your job and it in turn creates negative thoughts in others about considering you for the promotion. Challenge your negative thinking and begin to speak out words that are hopeful not doubtful and positive and not negative. Thoughts can be changed and when thoughts are changed you will notice your feelings begin to change. When feelings change you will find that you find more strength, your relationships are deepened, your eyes are open to more opportunities and your sails are fully open with you taking charge and sailing towards those things you never THOUGHT were possible.


Recommended Reading: Norman Vincent Peale "The Power of Positive Thinking"
                                     

Reaping What You Sow Into A Relationship

As many know my primary specialty in private practice is couples counseling. I am currently working on a book that defines the healthy building blocks that must be present in every relationship. I see couples frequently who struggle in one or more areas and I have found that there are important components that if present in relationship prevent erosion and break down in the future of a partnership.

I once had a good friend of mine say that a relationship should never be a give / take but a give / give type of relationship. I agree with this friend that in a healthy relationship both parties should always be working to give to the other partner and the only way to do this effectively is to take the time to really get to know what your other partners needs are. Our society today is filled with egocentricism and selfishness and the break down of relationships appears to always have selfishness at the core eating like a cancer in one form or another.

Dr. Harley describes each person as having a love bank. When one partner is making deposits of love into their partner by actions and words of love then they are filling their partners love bank. However when one partner begins to only deposit love and emotion into a relationship without their partner investing in them as well then the one partner will become depleted and their love bank will become empty with nothing more to give. For this reason it is important for both individuals to be giving into the relationship and into their partner as it is impossible for a relationship to last if only one partner is a giver and the other continues to be only a taker.

Religion describes this as you reap what you sow and if one person is not sowing into a relationship eventually their will be nothing more for that person to reap. How can you expect a harvest if you are not sowing and I must add that this must continue throughout a relationship just as farmers take care of their land by fertilizing the soil, tilling the ground, and making sure that what they sow is being nurtured effectively year after year. I see this with couples who think that only in the beginning do they need to court their partner, invest time in finding out about them, getting to know their needs (fears, desires, goals, dreams), and show them that they are the only one they want in their life that compares with no other yet after a period of time become comfortable and stagnate thinking the relationship will continue to grow without further investment.

Relationships are fragile, require emotional investment, open honest communication, respect, and commitment year after year. These components are not going to produce a healthy relationship if one person is the only one giving and the other taking as both individuals in a relationship need these components to grow, to fill their love bank, and to trust that they are loved as much as they love their partner.

Your Online Therapist Returns

I wanted to update everyone that had been following or will begin following my blogs that I am once again back and ready to write. Many changes have been occurring over the past year to two years and all of the changes have been in preparation for steps in a journey personally and professionally that will add to this blog in dynamic ways. I am preparing to take steps that will have me joining a very dear friend as we embark on a new private practice together which has been a dream of ours for some time.  I am also working with a publisher in preparing to complete my book on healthy building blocks in a relationship as well completion of children's books that can be utilized by parents, therapists or schools to help children with current issues such as bullying and self esteem issues. Over the next year or two this blog will not only be utilized for articles I write on therapeutic topics but as a way for my followers to stay up to date on publication of books and possible speaking engagements that I will be making in the future. I look forward to having all my followers join me on this journey as we embrace the future without fear, never looking back at the past with regret, and remembering that the present moment defines that future ahead.

Its great to be back and again I apologize for leaving you for a time with no new articles to read. Are you ready to take this journey with me? Lets get started.