Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Reaping What You Sow Into A Relationship

As many know my primary specialty in private practice is couples counseling. I am currently working on a book that defines the healthy building blocks that must be present in every relationship. I see couples frequently who struggle in one or more areas and I have found that there are important components that if present in relationship prevent erosion and break down in the future of a partnership.

I once had a good friend of mine say that a relationship should never be a give / take but a give / give type of relationship. I agree with this friend that in a healthy relationship both parties should always be working to give to the other partner and the only way to do this effectively is to take the time to really get to know what your other partners needs are. Our society today is filled with egocentricism and selfishness and the break down of relationships appears to always have selfishness at the core eating like a cancer in one form or another.

Dr. Harley describes each person as having a love bank. When one partner is making deposits of love into their partner by actions and words of love then they are filling their partners love bank. However when one partner begins to only deposit love and emotion into a relationship without their partner investing in them as well then the one partner will become depleted and their love bank will become empty with nothing more to give. For this reason it is important for both individuals to be giving into the relationship and into their partner as it is impossible for a relationship to last if only one partner is a giver and the other continues to be only a taker.

Religion describes this as you reap what you sow and if one person is not sowing into a relationship eventually their will be nothing more for that person to reap. How can you expect a harvest if you are not sowing and I must add that this must continue throughout a relationship just as farmers take care of their land by fertilizing the soil, tilling the ground, and making sure that what they sow is being nurtured effectively year after year. I see this with couples who think that only in the beginning do they need to court their partner, invest time in finding out about them, getting to know their needs (fears, desires, goals, dreams), and show them that they are the only one they want in their life that compares with no other yet after a period of time become comfortable and stagnate thinking the relationship will continue to grow without further investment.

Relationships are fragile, require emotional investment, open honest communication, respect, and commitment year after year. These components are not going to produce a healthy relationship if one person is the only one giving and the other taking as both individuals in a relationship need these components to grow, to fill their love bank, and to trust that they are loved as much as they love their partner.

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